Violet

Violet

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Sucker Punched

Once again I feel like I've been punched in the gut...

On Wednesday we met with our neurologist, (our fourth opinion) to have the words I was dreading said to me. Your daughter is on the spectrum, she has Autism. We saw the diagnosis coming for months and it was very evident that she has it....but it's so much worse to actually hear the words said to you in that official voice.

It's one of the main things I have always feared. I have seen the children that have been stolen away at to young of an age. Not able to show emotion. Trapped within themselves. And my heart breaks. My heart breaks wondering if Violet will ever hug me again. It's been months. I wonder if she will ever give me a kiss which she has never done. Will she tell me she loves me? Will she want to hold my hand when she is scared? Or will my heart continue to break if her condition closes her up away from us. These are my fears.

I'm in the beginning stages...anger. Lots and lots and lots of anger. I don't want to hear the niceties that everyone is throwing at me. I don't want to hear the "it's just a label", "everything will be ok", "God has a reason for everything"...because while people mean to be nice and give hope by saying these things it diminishes the emotions and very realness of the situation my family is facing. Tell me it is just a label when it is your child banging their head so hard you are afraid they will have a concussion. Tell me it is what God intended when your child looks through you with no affection. Don't tell me everything will be ok as I sit at night crying because my child has been put through more crap than any child should ever have to go through. Yes there are children much worse off....but this...this is MY child and damn it I am angry.

All I want right now is to crawl in to a hole and cry. But I can't do that. I have a child that needs me to be strong and to be her way out of the darkness. I dont know how I will achieve it but you can bet your ass I will find a way. God as my witness I will find a way to help her.

10 comments:

  1. That last statement is why you are her mommy. You CAN help her through the darkness where others would rather turn from the light. You CAN give her strength where others would rather put her in a home or give her up. And she WILL always love you because no matter what, you will always be her mommy. I love Bamber.

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  2. That last statement is why you are her mommy. You CAN help her through the darkness where others would rather turn from the light. You CAN give her strength where others would rather put her in a home or give her up. And she WILL always love you because no matter what, you will always be her mommy. I love Bamber.

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  3. ((HUGS)) Stay strong and prove them wrong.

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  4. Aww sweetheart, I don't walk in your shoes and I'm not religious but I do know that Violet has you and Scott as her parents for a reason.

    Throw something, hit something but I know that you wouldn't swap her for the world. Some people would have walked away when they got the DS results. Neither of you did. It's a challenge but it's one that you two can face. You haven't come this far for nothing.

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  5. I can totally get the anger Amber. You have been through such a lot, more than most parents can endure, but as you say you will keep fighting for Violet, and will not give up. You can do this with Scott's help of course and your family and friends.

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  6. Amber our kiddos are fighters as we know and they are making us into the best damn parents around! Because while most parents freak about a cold or ear infection we deal with surgeries and supplies and machines that rule our houses, we are tough and I can't say I know how you feel 100% but I understand your anger! And it's ok to go through the stages, yell swear get mad because this will in the end help you and not effect on your love and affection towards v!
    Love Ashley and Laila

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  7. You are the strongest momma I know. You are truly an inspiration and the best darn mother anyone could ever ask for! Your strength and love for V is amazing. I can't even imagine what you deal with every single day. Hugs and love <3

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  8. Oh, man. I can't believe this news. How much more can a family take? You are in my prayers.

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  9. I saw this book review and thought of you. It may be a load of you-know-what or it could be some good information.
    http://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Vicious-Cycle-Intestinal-Through/product-reviews/0969276818/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

    5.0 out of 5 stars No More Autism: Healing Inside and Out, January 16, 2002

    "He was also diagnosed as having developmental delays (Pervasive Development Disorder, ie Autism). He was behind in speech and motor skills...he banged his head and stopped looking at me. My son slipped away from me!"

    pdx

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  10. Lots of hugs and prayers....Violet has an AWESOME Mommy and Daddy that love her very much and you both are wonderful parents to such a special little girl....

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