Sunday, April 15, 2012

Sucker Punched

Once again I feel like I've been punched in the gut...

On Wednesday we met with our neurologist, (our fourth opinion) to have the words I was dreading said to me. Your daughter is on the spectrum, she has Autism. We saw the diagnosis coming for months and it was very evident that she has it....but it's so much worse to actually hear the words said to you in that official voice.

It's one of the main things I have always feared. I have seen the children that have been stolen away at to young of an age. Not able to show emotion. Trapped within themselves. And my heart breaks. My heart breaks wondering if Violet will ever hug me again. It's been months. I wonder if she will ever give me a kiss which she has never done. Will she tell me she loves me? Will she want to hold my hand when she is scared? Or will my heart continue to break if her condition closes her up away from us. These are my fears.

I'm in the beginning stages...anger. Lots and lots and lots of anger. I don't want to hear the niceties that everyone is throwing at me. I don't want to hear the "it's just a label", "everything will be ok", "God has a reason for everything"...because while people mean to be nice and give hope by saying these things it diminishes the emotions and very realness of the situation my family is facing. Tell me it is just a label when it is your child banging their head so hard you are afraid they will have a concussion. Tell me it is what God intended when your child looks through you with no affection. Don't tell me everything will be ok as I sit at night crying because my child has been put through more crap than any child should ever have to go through. Yes there are children much worse off....but this...this is MY child and damn it I am angry.

All I want right now is to crawl in to a hole and cry. But I can't do that. I have a child that needs me to be strong and to be her way out of the darkness. I dont know how I will achieve it but you can bet your ass I will find a way. God as my witness I will find a way to help her.