Friday, March 25, 2011

In the Beginning

There are certain things that I have not shared through my journey. I did not share the story of the day Violet was born. I did not share the emotions nor some of the pictures from one of the scariest times in my life. Why? I really didn't know how to put it in to words at the time. I didn't want to say my fears out loud for fear they may come true.  I didn't want to put my full emotions out for the world to see because instead of staying positive and keeping my faith...I questioned God. My faith was rocked to the very core of me.

Hello World 1-21-11
We got to the hospital early that morning. I remember telling my husband I was going to drive because I had to keep my mind busy. My stomach was in knots. I was hungry and thirsty because I hadn't been able to have anything after midnight since I was having a c section.

They checked me in to my room and we waited the 2 or 3 hours until it was time for my c section. They wheeled me in to the operating room while my mother and husband scrubbed up. I remember the table was hard and it was freezing. They had me lean over while they did the spinal to numb my lower body. I was so afraid that since I could feel a tingle in my feet that I would feel the surgery. I was scared to death. I've had many many surgeries but I've never been awake for them. I didn't have any medicine in me to calm me (wish I did though!).

 I remember my mom and my husband walking in to the room and one of them saying "oh my God" (I guess they saw that the surgery had already began lol). They sat in a seat behind me and Scott held my hand. I kept seeing him glance over the curtain that blocked my view and I was hoping and praying he wouldn't pass out like everyone does on TV.

I was of course on oxygen and felt like I was going to pass out. The smell of cauterizing turned my stomach in ways I had never imagined. The nurse then told me that I was going to feel a lot of pressure and tugging. Fear set in! Yet there was no pain, I was floating. I heard the faintest gurgle of a cry and I came back to reality...that was MY daughter! My daughter was crying! They lifted her above the curtain for me to see and I did not look at her face. I did not look at her hands...I looked straight at her feet. The Dr's had told me she would have pretty bad clubbed feet and I was left confused and dazed....Her feet looked perfectly normal to me. She was a big healthy beautiful little girl with or without clubbed feet. A big 8lb 3 ounce baby girl with a set of lungs that would make an opera singer proud!

They took her away to clean her up while the Dr finished the surgery. I was wheeled back in to my room and they brought her in to me.  I was smitten!  I held her, kissed her forehead and thanked God for giving me such a blessing.

The lactation consultant came in and we worked on breast feeding. Violet latched on but fell asleep after a few sucks. She was so tired. So I let her sleep and just stared at her. They came to take her for a bath but decided to do an echo cardiogram first. Time went by so slowly and the nurse kept coming back to my room to see if my family had returned yet. I knew something was up. After this point everything gets very blurry because of emotions and a constant drip of pain medicine.

The Neonatologist showed up in my room once my family had returned. Violet still wasn't back yet and I wanted my daughter in my arms. Something wasn't right...  As Dr.B. began to speak my heart sank in to my stomach. He was saying that Violet wasn't breathing properly and was going to be transported to the NICU at a different hospital. She was on a very high amount of oxygen and not doing so well. All I could think was this can't be right, I just saw her and she looked healthy. But then the vision of her laying in my arms started coming back to me. She was tinted blue around her mouth. How had I missed that before??? I asked them through my broken sobs if they would wheel her in before they transport so I could say goodbye to her and that I love her. Goodbye...would this be the last time I ever saw her? Would I ever get to hold her in my arms again. I couldn't remember what her skin felt like against mine. How she smelled... her face started blurring in my mind but then I realized it was my tears spilling over the rim.

Strangers...more strangers entering my room. I guessed it was the transport team as they wheeled Violet next to my bed in her isolette

They allowed me to open the small round window on her isolette to hold her hand for a  couple of minutes. Scott and I sat there, barely touching her hand and arm because she looked so fragile. But then it was time to go. I had never before felt such anguish and helplessness. I was stuck in a bed hooked to machines instead of going with my daughter. As they wheeled her out the tears took over and I don't remember much after that point.
Swollen and hurting with my world being ripped apart...I questioned God. Why me? Why MY baby? Why bring us through so much to get to this point to now have to go through this. What did I do wrong to be punished like this?

I still don't know the answer to all of my questions...and I may never know. All I do know is that Violet has shown so much strength in her life so far. The prayers we have received from all over the world has been astounding and has helped to get us through some of our darkest days. We still have a long road ahead of us. But hopefully the worst is behind us, I pray the worst is behind us...


  1. Thank you for sharing, I know it wasn't easy.


  2. Cheryl, It's one of the hardest things I have had to type up. The emotions from that day are still so raw. I have typed and retyped this post over the last three days and each time I tried to finish it I would start crying all over again.

  3. Amber I am sending lots of cyber I sit hear with tears streaming down my face. As a mother, I cannot imagine what you went through. I appreciate you sharing. C

  4. Thank you for sharing. Big hugs. I cannot begin to imagine what you went through. I still pray for ya'll everyday. :)


  5. {{{Amber}}} I have tears in my eyes reading this. I'm so glad Violet is doing better every day, but I can only imagine how you must have felt then.

    When I read the Psalms, I see David questioning God a lot, so don't feel guilty. I think any honest person of faith questions from time to time.

  6. The look on your face in the photo of you holding Violet shows nothing but joy, wonder, and pride. Thank you for sharing.

  7. Amber - questioning God is fine... and we do not know the answers to things - like why someone gets cancer and another does not - having lost several friends in the last 12 months to cancer that is my constant question and now having a friend with an 11 year old with cancer - it is so hard.. like Lee Ann said, any honest person questions God. I have no idea why this is your and Violet's journey - the photos of your tears are very heartfelt and authentic - thank you for sharing them. One day and one moment at at time.

  8. My heart hurts for all you have been thru and what you will continue to go thru but God gave V to you because he knew YOU alone would be the best mother for her! I love you guys and am truly blessed to have been introduced to you!!